The Meeting of Minds 2:Electric Boogaloo
by EarthScraper
Summary: Here We Go Again...
1. Prologue

**A.N Jesus H, here we go again. The Meeting of Minds 2 : Electric Boogaloo has begun today. **

**While still keeping in touch with the outrageous and terrible humour of the last TMoM, this one will be a crossover and will be slightly darker in nature. Didn't want to put it onto the crossover section since I felt no one would read it. If people keep whining at me to put it into the crossover section, then it will move.**

**Enjoy this very short little prologue!**

The giant, vagina-shaped rift glared down at the party below. It's techno show of lights flashed vividly onto the Kiln, unleashing the inner epilepsy within some of the bystanders.

'Well, we're boned.' EarthScraper sighed while rolling his eyes, and then dived his face into the cake again. The crowd turned to him, and Gwyn stepped forward.

'EarthScraper, what is this...thing?' he asked while pointing at the rift. EarthScraper lifted his head, bony brows creaked into a frown.

'How the HELL do I know what it is!? Who do I look like, Steven Hawkings?' he spluttered between chewing of sweet confectionery and pizza. The crowd all then looking towards the rift, some in awe, some in fear, and some reacting as if nothings there.

'It's like we're staring directly into God's very butt-hole.' Gough grumbled.

'What's this about my butt hole?' Gwyn asked sternly.

'We're saying it's very shiny.' Artorias butted in.

'And it looks like a vagina.' Ornstein added. 'A very wide, sparkly vagina.'

'Huh, sounds like Gwynevere's hole.'

The rift ripped open further, and let lose an distorted roar that shook the kiln violently.

_'Meyye! Tahrodiis aanne! Him hinde pah liiv! Zu'u hin daan!'_A great voice roared, followed by a horrendous gout of fire that scorched the very earth. A few screams of anguish filled the air, and then the rift exploded, revealing a stark blue sky, dotted with little patches of cloud. Some small, white flakes trailed softly down to the freshly scorched Kiln.

'Does Gwyn's hole speak Yiddish, breath fire then show a nice sky with snow?' Ciaran spoke up.

'It does after I have one of Quelaag's curries.' Gwyn answered.

'So what does the snow part mean In terms of your chronic diarrhoea?' EarthScraper asked.

'_You don't want to know_.' he answered sharply. The crowd returned to it's silence, completely enraptured by the amazing scene in front of them.

But in a flash, their awe turned to fear as the sky blackened, huge grotesque eyes replaced the clouds, and the snow morphed into giant, slimy tentacles, that reached out and snatched the them all one.

'Oh shit, I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going.' EarthScraper sighed before being yanked from his feet, and pulled into the rift.

Nito clung onto his dock with his dear, er, life? Before the cthulhu-esque thing grew bored of fighting him, and tore him bit by bit before getting his main skull and tossing it into the rift.

One by one, their screams were cut short as they were pulled through the rift, and as Leeroy, the last one was pulled into the rift with some effort, the monster pulled the seams of the rift together, and disappeared in a flash of light.

And thus begins our new tale.


	2. Caboose

The cold, harsh wind battered the land, the sparse trees and rocky outcrops keeping any sort of cover from the blades of ice that struck the passengers of the carts. All clad in furs and blue cloaks, and all scowling and sneering at the drivers, whispering what they would do to them if they ever got free.

The cart behind them was another story. Two passengers had caught the attention of the other three on board. One clad in gold was leaving them in awe, and were sincerely impressed by his stature and figure, but left them unnerved as he seemingly stared at them, completely silent.

The OTHER passenger was another story. Clad in the bones of the fallen, mask of another man's face, and everything in between the plating was as black as night. The blond man opposite him stared with fear at the seemingly dead passenger.

A sharp jar of the cart shifted the skull-faced passenger violently, and he was in fact, alive.

'Uh...Jesus, how much did I drink last night?' The zombie asked, and the blond man recoiled, not because of his manner of speech, not because he spoke of another name not of the blond man's gods, but only the fact was when he talked, it revealed that the mask was no mask, but indeed, his actual _face._

'Ah, awake I see.' The golden-knight shifted as he spoke. Thankfully, his lion-helm was not his actual face.

'Oh, hey Ornstein!' The skull knight chirped. 'How ya doin'?'

'Huh, could be better I guess.' Ornstein said nonchalantly.

'Oh, good.' The skull-knight said, before looking around hastily. 'Hey, er, where is everyone else?'

Ornstein shrugged. 'I dunno, but Shiva is over there.'

Peering over, the skull-knight saw Shiva slumped against the seat on the other cart, still asleep.

'Okay, now, where are we?' The skull-knight asked the blond man, who hadn't taken his eyes off him ever since he had woken up. It was difficult to answer him while looking at the bottomless pits of his eyes.

'Er, on your way to Helgen, just like the rest of us.' The man answered. 'I'm Ralof, by the way.'

'That's nice.' The skull-knight thanked rudely, then turned to Ornstein. 'I don't think we're in Lordran any more.'

Ornstein snorted. 'Wow, I would never had guessed, smart-ass.'

'So, you were trying the cross the boarder right?' Ralof asked. 'Walked right into that imperial ambush, same as us. And this thief here.'

The Dark duo turned to said thief, who looked petrified at the sight of them both.

'Thief, huh? Whadya steal? Gold? Crack? Virginities?' Skull-Knight asked.

'No, I stole a horse...' he confessed. Ornstein and the skull-knight gave each other a questionable look.

'I think we have found a brony.' Skull-knight whispered.

'Yeah. What shall we say to him?' Ornstein asked.

'Uh, I don't know.'

'Neither do I...'

'I mean, I would talk to him, but he would probably try and ponify it...'

'Shall we risk it?'

'...Okay.'

The duo back away from each other while nodding, then turned back to the thief.

'So, er...' Ornstein began.

'You fuck horses?'

What!? No, I...'

'Look, it's okay, you can tell us, we won't judge you.' Ornstein assured him.

'No! I was stealing the horse so I could go to Hammerfell...' the thief reasoned.

The skull-knight raised his bony eyebrow. 'Is that a euphemism for sex?'

Ralof interrupted the horrid conversation with his observation. 'Look at him, General Tullius, the military governor.' A snort escaped him. 'And it looks like the Thalmor are with him! Damn elves, I bet they had something to do with this...'

The skull-knight nodded vigorously. 'Yeah, those damn dirty elves! Their always up to something! Like that one time at Christmas where they stored mercury in my teddy bear.'

Ornstein was paying little attention to the ramblings of the idiot, and took note of the small village they were in. Large stone towers dotted the town, and he took careful not of the flags with the red dragons weaved into them.

'This is Helgen.' Ralof whispered wistfully. 'I used to sweet on a girl from here, I wonder if-

'By sweet on a girl, you mean you banged her, right? Just want to be clear on that.' The skull-knight interrupted. Ralof shook his head.

'How do you put up with this idiot?' he asked Ornstein.

'I normally just blank him out, and think of multiple ways on how to kill him in his sleep.' the golden-knight answered while standing up on the now still cart.

'What's going on?' The thief asked.

'End of the line.' Ralof answered nonchalantly.

'Thank god. Where is the station, I need to speak at the conductor about the shitty service and lack of beverages.' The skull-knight moaned while hopping onto the cobbled stone.

'Approach the block, one at a time!' A bitchy voice shouted. A slightly calmer man brought of a notepad and quill, something that looked out of place with his massive arms and bulging chest.

'Ulfric Stormcloak, Jarl of Windhelm.' He said, and for the first time, the dark duo noticed the gagged man in regal clothes walk towards the block.

'It has been an honour, Jarl Ulfric!' Ralof said with a bow.

'Hey Ornstein, why don't you just fight your way out of here?' The skull-knight asked. 'I know our hands are tied, and we have no weapons, but still...'

'Hmm? Oh, I will, but I'll do when your head is being used as a football.' He answered.

'Ralof of Riverwood.' The man checked, and Ralof walked along side his Jarl, towards death's jaws.

'Lokir of Rorikstead.' The solider read, and the raggedy thief stepped anxiously forward.

'No wait, I'm not a rebel!' He cried, and took a sprint to the gates, each rock and stone cutting into his feet.

'Halt! _Archers!' _the leader shouted, and in a flash, an arrow pierced the back of his neck.

He didn't get up. (No shit.)

'Wow, that escalated quickly.' The skull-knight grimaced, and stepped forward.

The two soldiers peered at him, unable to tell if he was dead, or some kind of serial killer.

'You, what is your name?' The man asked.

'Me? Oh, well for I am... EarthScraper!' he replied. The two soldiers gave a shrug to each other.

'...Ok, so that is your serial killer name, nor your _real _name, please?'

'Oh, Skeletor!'

'Seriously, please.'

'Nick Cage!'

'Come on...'

'Grim Reaper?'

'Wow.'

'Jim Carrey!'

'Can I cut this idiot down!?' The woman said as she drew her sword.

'OKOKOK!' The aforementioned idiot pleaded. 'Okay, seriously, my real name... is...Caboose.'

Everyone fell silent. The nervous rustling of armour behind him broke the silence.

'Is that seriously your name?'

'Look, my mother had a fascination with trains, Okay?' Caboose snapped while walking over to the headsmen block.

Finally, Ornstein stepped forth.

'What's your name?' The man asked one more time.

'I am Ornstein, Knight of Gwyn, Dragon-Slayer and Cap-'

'Alright Ornstein, just be quiet and stand next the block, alright?'

Ornstein shot a death glare at them both, and did as he was asked.

'A few more minutes, Ornstein, just a few more minutes, and you'll be slaughtering these ass holes...' he groaned to himself as he stood by Caboose.

'...started this war, plunged Skyrim into chaos, and now the empire is going to put you down, and restore the peace!' The general spoke, Ornstein barely tuning in to his ramblings.

A blood-chilling sound echoed through out the town, as if from nowhere.

'What was that?' The man from earlier exclaimed.

'It's nothing.' The general assured him. 'Carry on.'

'Yes, General Tullius!' The Captain said eagerly, almost _too _eagerly. Caboose turned to Ornstein.

'Hey, betcha they're banging each other.' Caboose whispered.

'Heh, totally.' Ornstein answered 'Screwing each other like no tomorrow with that eagerness.'

Caboose nodded and grinned, although his mask made him look as if he was grinning all the time.

'Hey, she looks like she's into dungeon BDSM.' he laughed like a 7th grader.

Ornstein was at his full attention now. 'Oh, how can you tell?'

'Well, she's got that look about her, ya know. Also, look at her legs...hairy, manly.' Caboose grimaced, Ornstein nodded while looking at her.

'Jeez, looks like a freaking bear with those legs.' he snorted.

'Hey, I also bet that she enjoys taking it right up her-'

A meaty squelch halted him, and a head rolled around into the basket, body slumping to the floor.

'Holy shit, that was intense.' Caboose whimpered with excitement. 'I wanna see that again!'

'Very well, the psycho in the skull mask! Who's name currently escapes me...' The hairy-legged woman boomed while pointing at Caboose.

'Oh sweet, my turn!' He chirped.

That blood-chilling roar was heard again, louder this time.

'There it was again! Did you hear that?'

'I said: _next. Prisoner!' _The hairy man-woman said again.

'Yeah yeah yeah, I'm here!' Caboose shouted, and voluntarily placed his head into the headsman's block. 'Oh, and err, make sure it's a good execution, yeah?'

'Whu?' the Headsman grunted.

'Like, make sure you make it **MEATY**, and make sure it gives a good squelch too, yeah?'

'So close now, so very close...' Ornstein smirked, hands getting more fidgety, his bindings on the verge of snapping.

'It's not hard. Also, make sure it's painful, so I know it's happening, that way, the excitement builds up, and so does my blood pressure! Need a good squirt every now and again!'

'Headsman, kill this sick bastard _already_!' The captain shouted with irritation.

The headsman grunted again, bringing his axe above his head, ignoring the continuous ideas that Caboose spat out.

'What in Oblivion is THAT!?' The general boomed, and the crowd scream and gave out cries of pure terror.

'What, is there a pimple on my ass? Oh goody, that means the pus will pop out when my head will-

The tower above them crashed under the weight of a giant shadow, which growled and glared at the prisoners beneath him. Its scales could be used a viable weapons, and each eye was like gazing into a nebula.

'Dragon!' I woman screeched. Caboose looked at it, and sighed with relief.

'Oh, hey Kalameet!' Caboose greeted the black monster. 'I was wondering where you were!'

The dragon stared at them all, eyes filled with malice.

'Er, Caboose, I don't think that's Kalameet...' Ornstein answered. 'Kalameet, has four legs, and one eye.'

Caboose looked back at the dragon. 'Yeah, you're right, looks more like a Wyvern. Hey, maybe Kalameet was cheating behind Priss' back and thus made-

The wind rushed past their ears as they were flung into the nearby wall, the dragon roared at the sky, bringing down death and destruction in the form of celestial rock and metal, crashing an burning all in their path. The dragon scorched the houses, which stood little chance with their hay roofs and poor stonework.

'Holy crap, this is awesome!' Caboose said as he leapt onto his feet.

'Hey you, get in here, the god's have given us another chance!' Ralof shouted, barely audible above the explosions and falling stonework.

The two of them ran into the tower, and had a chance to catch their breaths.

'Oh man, this would be such a cool way to die!' Caboose squirmed with excitement.

'Where is Shiva?' Ornstein asked.

'The quiet guy? Still out there.' One of the rebels answered.

'Jarl Ulfric, could the legends be true!?' Ralof asked with panic. Ulfric frowned and turned to them all.

'Legends. They don't burn down villages.'

The women among the rebels might as well creamed themselves with their groans of pleasure from his smexy voice. Caboose spoke up, however.

'Well, they can. I mean, when your telling a legend around the camp fire, the story teller might get a little excited, knock the fire over, and before you know it, it's Man v.s. Food Barbecue Supreme.'

Ulfric and Ralof exchanged glances.

'How do you put up with this idiot?' Ralof asked.

'I just blank him.' Ornstein groaned while pulling Caboose up the stairs.

'...Barbecue Supreme...' he drooled over the golden-knight.

'Help me!' A rebel cried. Ornstein bolted up the stairs. 'If we can move some of this rocks, I can-

The wall crashed up them, and the scaly demon reared it's head, and burned the trapped rebel till he was nothing but ashes, and flew away, seeking more prey. Ornstein shook of some rubble, and looked through the hole were the dragon was.

'Hmm...' he scratched his chin, and walked to Caboose, still drooling over the Barbecue supreme. 'Hey Caboose.'

Caboose lifted his head slightly, forgetting to wipe the drool from his mouth.

'Want that, er, Barbecue, thingamajig?' he asked.

'Yeah! WHERE IS IT!?' Caboose growled, hunched over like an animal. Ornstein reached down, and grabbed him by the collar.

'Over here.'

Caboose had no chance to answer as he was thrown out of the hole, narrowly dodging a stray meteor. He crashed through the roof of an inn, through the second floor, and collapsed in a heap on the bottom floor.

'Blergh!' he groaned as he shifted the wood of his head. 'Whoa! That was the BEST ride ever!'

Peering up, he saw Ornstein shaking his head at him, and walked away from the hole.

'Ha, more for me, bitch!' Caboose shouted eagerly while heading for the door.

'Hey, Caboose!' Shiva shouted while beckoning him to come over to him.

'Sup, my brother from another mother?' Caboose greeted. The wing beats of a large beast and the roaring of flames muted his insult, and instead his gaze was turned the now landed dragon on the road.

'Haming, get over here, NOW!' Hadvar, the nerdy beefcake from before shouted, alerting the child, who scurried quickly over to him. 'Thata boy, you're doing great!'

The dragon lifted his head, then without mercy, or remorse, released hell-fire onto the injured man, melting the flesh and skin of him in a heartbeat, then flew away as if _nothing _happened.

'Ho ho! Holy Shit, did you just see that, kid!?' Caboose laughed manically. 'Your dad melted like the Nazi of Indiana Jones! That was a bad ass way to die, ya know.'

'Caboose, you're really not helping!' Shiva roared at him, trying to consolidate the now weeping child. 'Come on, let's hurry!'

Shiva and Caboose left the others behind, and ran through the blazing inferno of the town. They skimmed past falling rock, dodged flaming balls, and lay low under the dragon's ever watchful eye.

'Quick! TO THE LEFT!' Shiva boomed as he slid to the wall, though Caboose halted instead. 'CABOOSE!'

'Slide to the right, Criss-cross!' Caboose sang as he broke down into the Cha-cha slide.

'...You have got to be _fucking _kidding me.' Shiva sighed, taking little notice at the dragon perched onto the wall, burning an Imperial solider into melted pulp, then flew away from the scene, again, as if _NOTHING _happened.

'Stick close to me, Caboose, _stay close to me.' _Shiva growled, then bolted through some more burning houses.

'Sticking close to you like barbecue sauce, Shiva! A strip of Sellotape! A ball of blue-tack! A sticky tissue that has been freshly used for 'me' time!' Caboose shouted over the cries of the people and the roaring of the flames.

Shiva just did his best to not flip around and kill the idiot. He didn't need to ignore him for too long, when they reached a clearing, Caboose fell silent.

'Okay leader, now what?' Caboose asked sarcastically. Shiva was trying to think, but was interrupted by a familiar voice behind him.

'Ralof, you damned traitor! OUT OF MY WAY!' Hadvar screamed over the battle noise.

'We're escaping Hadvar, you're not stopping us this time!' Ralof bit back viciously.

'Fine, I hope the dragon takes you all to Sovngarde!' Hadvar cursed, and sprinted towards one of the doors into the keep.

'Hey you two, come on, into the keep!' Ralof shouted at Shiva and Caboose.

'With me, you two, let's go!' Hadvar shouted as well, and went to the other door, leaving the duo in the centre of it all.

'Which one Shiva?' Caboose said, hands shaking with anxiety.

'I don't know, they're both kind of dicks, to be honest.' Shiva admitted, oblivious to everything that was going on around them.

'Come on, hurry!' Hadvar shouted, Ralof shouting something similar.

'Ah, I hate it when I'm given choices like this, normally I go for both options!' Caboose shouted in frustration.

'What, you'd take both men on at once?' Ornstein said, appearing from nowhere, and lifting Caboose by the collar and the waist

'Whoa, what are you doing!?' Caboose pleaded.

'Using your head.' Ornstein said nonchalantly, and sprinting towards the door that Hadvar stood by.

'Oh, you son of a-'


	3. Goodbye (ignore it)

**I'm just going to cut straight to the point. I'm leaving .**

**How long for? Dunno, but I won't be around for a while, college project and other things has literally taken over my life.**

**IF I do come back, I'll try and update this story, but if I won't come back, yeah.**

**I felt like I owed you all an explanation for the delay between chapters, and here it is. Sorry, but I rarely get the opportunity to continue with the story, I've barely started the newest chapter.**

**I hope you can understand, and won't start a flame war over nothing. Keep writing guys, cause you can all do it, some are simply more natural then others.**

**Praise the Sun.**


	4. PFFT (and this)

Here; a lemon scene.

"Oh, how delicious." they cried.

"These lemons taste so juicy."

"A bit too sour in my opinion, darling."

I don't know what you were expecting.

T-T-THE END


	5. Escape

The crumpled mess on the floor that was Caboose groaned weakly as he rubbed his head.

"...bitch." he mumbled.

"Well, that is one use we have found for him." Shiva laughed.

"Hmm, that and using him as a shield might work later..." Ornstein added while surveying his surroundings. He quickly realized they had thrown Caboose head first into an empty barracks. Hadvar walked slowly past the heap of bone and idiocy on the floor.

"Um, the door was already open by the way..." he tutted.

"Meh, throwing Caboose was funnier." Ornstein answered. "Now where is the gear you took from us?"

Hadvar made no attempt to be coy under the gaze of the golden knight, and nodded his head quickly.

"In there." he whimpered while pointing at the chest on the floor. Ornstein bent over, dug his fingers under the lid, and rent the lid from its hinges. He tossed Shiva his Murokumo and Iron shield, and threw Caboose's dark sword hilt first into his skeletal balls. Finally he retrieved his spear.

"Oh yeah my baby... I know, I know, I missed you too..." he whispered as he caressed it's shaft.

"OK, now what, Hadvar?" Shiva asked. Hadvar was still struck with fear from both the recent events and the fact he was at the mercy of three otherworldly warriors who look just as terrifying as each other (despite the fact one was grasping his crotch in pain).

"Uh, um, w-well I know a way out of here." Hadvar stuttered.

"Ah well, lead on then." Ornstein gestured towards him.

"Ok, now stick close, no doubt the Stormcloak rebels have found a way into here, so get ready for a f-"

Hadvar's neck a sickening _snap _as his head jerked violently do the side, and he fell to the floor, dead.

"What the..." Shiva whispered, before turning his gaze towards the now standing Caboose.

"Prick." he laughed as he stretched his arms and cracked his fingers.

"Caboose...did...did you just kill Hadvar?" Ornstein asked.

Caboose nodded.

"_WHY_!? He was helping us, you asshole!" Ornstein shouted, aiming his spear at the dead man in the skirt.

"To be fair, Caboose has got a point. He did try to kill us before, remember?" Shiva reasoned.

"He was just doing his job, you idiots!" He snapped, before sighing and face-palming. "Alright. That's it. From now on Caboose. If you want to snap someone's neck, shank them, set them alight or anything involving death of another person, for the love of god, ask ME first, OK?'

Caboose stared blankly at him, until closing his pit-like eyes and nodded. "Fo sho, ask you before snapping necks, got it."

"'Good, glad we've got that sorted.' Shiva sighed. "Now let's get out of here."

With Shiva, the beast from the east leading the three of them, they were able to navigate the linear halls with ease, and casually walked past the crumbling corridors and crushed rebels and soldiers.

"Awight, now what?" Caboose asked as the corridor collapsed onto the skirt wearing men with a crash.

"Through here." Ornstein said as he kicked a door open with a mighty kick, splintering it and sending it hurling across the room.

"What the-" A rebel asked before he was promptly split in two by Shiva's Murokumo. His comrade was reduced to ash by Ornstein's lightning attacks.

"Ha, piece of piss!" Caboose cheered.

"'Caboose, you did jack-shit, shut up." Ornstein snapped.

"Might want to get those potions, Caboose. Since, ya know, you're a casul and all." Shiva snorted as he opened the next door and continued through.

"Oh sweet, Calpol!" Caboose cheered, and then promptly drunk the bottle. "Ah shit! Strawberry!"

As he tossed the bottle over his shoulder, he retrieved a green bottle. "Awesome! Mountain Dew!" Drinking that too, he retched once again. "Gah, tastes like hippie!"

Finally a blue one was retrieved.

"Oh yeah! Every knows that everything blue tastes fucking epic!" Caboose cheered as he held the bottle. "Blue smarties, carpets, hair, condoms...The list is endless!" he rambled, before pocketing the blue vial, and hurrying off to join Ornstein and Shiva. Sprinting past dead soldiers and rebels, Caboose made his way through the abandoned caves, he finally caught up to the two warriors ahead, who looked disappointed at his presence.

"Damn, I thought you died." Ornstein groaned.

"Yeah, I think I did." Caboose groaned, still unable to get the Calpol/hippie taste out of his mouth. The three continued on, through more caves and archways, before Shiva stopped.

"Wait." he whispered, sword at the ready.

"Come on, pansy ass! Move it!" Caboose groaned, pushing Shiva out of his way. "See, it's nothing. It's fucking nothing! So quit your bitchin' and get a move-"

He halted in his tracks. Fear struck his black heart. A giant spider stared at him with all of it's eyes, fangs dripping with venom.

"AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The Dark Wraith screamed, and ran back to Ornstein, and wrapped his arms and legs around the golden knight, crying his eyes out. "IT'S THE CAVE DEVIL!"

"Oh for fucks sake..." Ornstein groaned as he threw Caboose to the ground. He dashed forward, spear in front, and tore the spider in two with one swift thrust, spraying blood and venom all over the caves. Shiva had also joined the fray, making short work of the 'cave devils', and before Caboose could stop whimpering, all of the spiders lay dead at the duos feet.

"That's it, I have had it with this prick." Ornstein growled as he lifted Caboose by the collar. "Listen up, you little turd."

Caboose was still whimpering.

"If you present yourself as incompetent _ONE MORE TIME, _I will personally kill you, and this time, _THERE ARE NO BONFIRES._"

Caboose just nodded.

"Good, glad we got that cleared up." Shiva sighed as he hefted his sword over his shoulder. Caboose shook the dirt of his armour, before following the competent warriors.

"How come you were scared of those spiders, anyway, Caboose?" Shiva asked. "I mean, you've fought way bigger spiders."

Caboose was dumbstruck (again). "Wait, since when?"

Ornstein and Shiva looked at each other, sighing. "Since Quelaag."

Caboose stared at them blankly. "No she isn't, she's smoking hot. Literally!"

"A smoking hot half spider, you mean." Ornstein corrected him.

"Where?" Caboose pleaded.

"Her lower half. Ya know, that's why her nickname is demon-vag." Shiva explained.

"Are you...sure?" Caboose asked.

Shiva and Ornstein nodded. "Positive."

"Huh, I suddenly feel really dirty about what I did a few hours ago." Caboose confessed, and then bowed his head while continuing forward.

The three of them continued through the caverns, with Shiva getting some water from the running stream.

"So, err, any idea where we are?" Shiva asked.

"Yeah, Skyrim." Ornstein answered nonchalantly.

"How d'ya know?" Caboose asked.

"Well all the rebels screamed it every time they swung at me, and the fact that it was Nito's idea to put the Skyrim disc into the huge bass cannon, thus creating a space-time rift in the universe, and in turn fucking everything up, and for once, it's not your fault Caboose." Ornstein explained. "Now onto the matter at hand..."

Pointing forward, Ornstein brought Shiva's and Caboose's attention to a mound of fur and meat, no doubt a bear, which was sound asleep, surrounded by the bones of failed adventurers.

"Ok, I'm guessing you want to sneak around it and avoid the fight?" Shiva asked.

"Hell no. Caboose?"

"Sup?" he answered.

"This is your opportunity. Kill that bear. Right now." Ornstein commanded Caboose. Shiva gave Ornstein a raised eyebrow.

"Are you sure that is a good idea? This is Caboose you are talking about..."

"Of course. This is also the same guy who has been repeatedly been killing us for three years. What say you Caboose?"

"So let me get one thing straight first." Caboose began. "I have permission to _kill _that bear, right?"

Ornstein nodded.

"Shweet! Back in a sec, noobs!" he chirped eagerly while drawing his sword. Ornstein's laugh caused his helm to shake.

"Sure thing, take your time, no rush..." Ornstein murmured.

Caboose walked over to the sleeping bear, and began to hurl taunts at it. "Hey fat-ass! Fucking Faggot! Fight me, one v one, IRL!"

The bear lifted its massive head to face the skull-knight, who had his sword drawn at the ready, wreathed in the flames of chaos.

The bear roared at him, yet Caboose held fast, and even slipped in a little 'well what is it', further riling the bear, as if it recognized the universal sign for 'come at me, faggot.'

Still, the bear rose up to the challenge, and lifted on of its massive paws, preparing to swipe at Caboose.

The claw raked at the air instead where Caboose stood, who had ducked, and in one swift motion, sliced the head off the bear, leaving a cauterized stump where the head was, now rolling down the stream bank.

"Hah, get wrecked!" Caboose roared in victory while sheathing his sword.

"Lucky bastard..." Ornstein murmured. Shiva was nodding and laughing. "All right Caboose, don't milk it, this is Skyrim, so it's perfect for a casul like you." Ornstein and Shiva grabbed the still cheering Caboose, and dragged him promptly towards the now visible exit of the cave.

"Finally, about damn time!" Shiva exclaimed.

The cold, harsh wind took the trio off guard, who were also busy breathing in the crisp cold air, a far cry from the stuffy caves and keeps.

"You've gotta admit, this place looks better then Lordran." Caboose pointed out. "Less shit-hole sewers, and more great views."

For once, Shiva and Ornstein agreed.

"I suppose it could be worse, I mean, just look at-"

The black dragon from the attack came swooping over head, bellowing a mighty roar, soaring high in the cold morning air.

"Shit, forgot about him." Ornstein cursed as he gripped his spear. Luckily, the dragon flew over the mountains, ignoring the trio. Within less then seconds, he had disappeared, out of sight, and eventually, it's roar echoed away, before silence filled the valley.

* * *

**WAHOO! Hello everyone (again)! Sorry for being afk for a while, but finally my problems have been solved(ish)! Now onto more important things;**

**Last chapter credit goes to Kairon Defitorus (A friend from college)**

**I will updating regularly now (hopefully)**

**And a long, important question for you all; How would you like to see this story play out?**

**Would you like to see:**

**A. Caboose,Ornstein and Shiva only, with brief cameos from other people.**

**B. All 5 main arcs in this story featuring three other characters (more on that in a Min) with a rotation of Main story-Companions-Dark brother hood- Thieves Guild- Mages guild then repeat order.**

**Doing B may help the main story be funnier since I will have more chance to come up with the jokes, and will increase the length of this story as a whole. However, doing A will shorten the story but it won't feel dragged on and on.**

**If you want B, the teams are:**

**MS – Caboose, Ornstein and Shiva**

**Companions- Artorias, Solaire, Oscar and maybe Tarkus**

**DB- Ciaran, Bouncer (Shiva's ninja buddy) and Nito **

**TG- Patches, Lautrec and Chester and maybe Kirk (all bastards in one)**

**COW- Gwyndolin, Quelaag/Quelana (haven't decided yet) and Beatrice**

**So what do you think? Each reviewer please try and remember to vote for A or B.**

**Praise the Sun! Great to be back :)**


	6. Sunbros and Companions

**Hallo! With the decision of plan B, enjoy these very short mini-chapters (they are shorter due to the fact that the side quest lines aren't that long). The story will also be moving to the crossover section next chapter, since we need those casuls to realize just how casul this game really is. These chapters will also move at a faster pace (so basically all events won't be recorded, the characters will talk about them instead) then the main story, which will be more descriptive, longer in general, blah blah blah. This will be a challenge to write.**

**But hell, I play Dark Souls, what am I, a filthy casul? (Dear Skyrim fans, you should know that I actually like the game, it's just that I prefer dark souls :D)**

Artorias wasn't truly sure what was happening. One minute he was caressing Ciaran's ass, the next the sky rips open, and the part after, he is standing in a middle of a farm, with Solaire praising the sun, Tarkus looking around pensive, and Oscar trying to slit his wrists with his sword, but the poor sod left his gauntlets on.

Peering around himself, he surveyed his surroundings, and took in the breathtaking view of the distant mountain range piercing the sky, the great green plains ahead of them all, and the great wooden keep dead ahead of them.

"Shieeet, the gamma kills my eyes." Artorias groaned while shielding his face.

"What is this casul land?" Tarkus sneered while hefting his sword over his shoulder.

"Wherever we may be, we will prove victorious over the coming trials ahead!" Solaire chirped.

"New ass holes will be torn, phalli will be cut, and all in the name of jolly co-operation!"

"Well said, Sunbro!" Tarkus laughed.

"Yeah, we got this shit!" Artorias added.

"Uh, so fucking depressed." Oscar murmured while trying to harm his wrists. The other three warriors turned to him.

"Oscar, what are you, casul? This land is far too colourful and fairy-tale like for hardened warriors like..." Artorias began, but trailed off. "Ah right, forgot you fucked up at the Undead Asylum."

They fell silent, unable to decide what to do.

"What shall we do?" Solaire asked.

"Oh it's fucking hopeless! We're dead!" Oscar cried out, bolting up right. "God, I hope some fat fuck comes along and stamps our asses into the dirt."

On cue, the ground trembled, a thousand sounds erupted into the air at once. Over the hills, a tribe of giants roared into view, swinging their shoddily made clubs above their heads in a rabid fashion, slobber sprayed everywhere as their frothing mouths swung side to side.

"OH SHIT, I'M SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Oscar screamed, and _galloped _away, fearing for his worthless life. The other three warriors ran towards a rocky outcrop, surprised to find the giants weren't after any of them.

"Those are some wimpy looking giants, huh..." Tarkus whispered.

"Oscar has got one fucked up run. No wonder Fredric kicked his ass." Artorias laughed.

"Let's see where these chaps are off too, shall we." Solaire intervened, and crawled over the rocky mound.

Running over the now crushed and damaged land, the trio saw Oscar still galloping in the distance, in the opposite direction of a farm, where the giants seemed to be heading.

"Those farmers are in danger!" Solaire cried. "We should help them."

"We could, but I don't really see how that's our problem." Artorias disagreed. "You with me Tarkus?"

No answer.

"Tarky?"

In the distance, the Black Iron monster charged forward, and proceeded to slay every giant in sight.

"The KS-ing bastard! C'mon Sol, time to_ kick names and take ass_!" Artorias roared while drawing his sword, hoping Solaire didn't hear his fuck up.

With drawn weapons, they ran up to join Tarkus, who was swinging a giant by the legs before flinging it into the air, landing in a different farm, Artorias did his bad ass frog leap, plunging his blade into a giants forehead, before somersaulting into and one, chaining his kills.

"M-M-M-MONSTER KILL!" he roared after slaying six giants in the space of a few seconds. Solaire behind was backing him up with mighty spears of lightning.

"Terribly sorry!" he apologized with a smile while throwing a spear. "Pardon me, my good fellow!", "Farewell, my giant adversary!"

Tarkus was another story. No apologies. Just cold, hard steel being swung around everywhere, and when that wasn't enough,

"**COLD, HARD FISTS**!" He roared while elbow dropping a downed giant, Alex Mercer style. "Because this place is fucking cold!"

Tarkus finally drop kicked another, sending it towards Artorias' way, who then swung his sword akin to a baseball bat, sending the giant high up into the air, who was then vaporized promptly with a lightning spear. It's ash rained calmly onto the trio.

"Fuckin' casuls..." Tarkus sighed disappointingly while retrieving his greatsword and shield. Solaire and Artorias were far happier, on the other hand.

"Haha, no, that was some Jolly Co-operation!" Artorias shouted in victory while giving Solaire a high five. It wasn't until a few moments later of doing a triple victory boogie, that they noticed three other warriors looking at them, one in shock and fear, one with a raised eyebrow, no doubt looking for sex, and the other one, the only man, drooling without awareness of anything going around him.

"You handle yourselves pretty damn well." The red-haired, skimpy clothed woman said. "You'd make pretty damn good Shield-Brothers."

The Dark trio stared at her, entranced by her looks. Solaire snapped to, and stepped forth.

"Ah, greetings my lady, I am Solaire of Astora! These are my friends and fellow Sunbros! Meet Iron Tarkus."

The woman turned to Tarkus, slightly unnerved by his tall posture and menacing stare.

"Sup." his voice echoed in his helm. The woman only nodded.

"And this is Knight Artorias!" Solaire continued, though the red head woman was already taking notice of the scarily tall knight, something about him turned her on.

"Hi." she said, biting her lower lip.

"Heya babe, how ya-" he began, offering his hand, before retracting it in delight. "Holy shit, my arm! It's fixed!" he cheered while swinging it around madly. "Oh man, Ciaran is going to be so glad about this!"

"Ciaran? Who's that?" The woman asked, eyes squinting at him in suspicion.

"My girlfriend. Well no, not my girlfriend, but my..." Artorias stammered.

"So she's no one in particular?" The woman pried.

"I, I, err..."

"Oh well then, she doesn't mean anything." The woman finished. "I am Aela, and this is Ria."

Ria was the shaking shit-bag who stared at the three warriors with dire fear. Only raggedy furs covered her wimpy frame.

"And this is Farkas... who seems to be somewhere else at the minute." Aela motioned towards the lumbering, drooling ape of a man.

"What's a Shield-Bro?" Tarkus asked. Aela raised an eyebrow.

"Outsiders eh? Never heard of the Companions?" she began. "We're an order of warriors, brothers and sisters of battle. We show up if people of Skyrim are in danger... and if the coin is good enough."

The trio cocked their heads to the side.

"Skyrim?" asked Tarkus

"What is this coin, you speak of?" Solaire pried.

"What the hell does order mean?" Artorias spoke aloud.

Aela shook her head. "Well, why don't you head up to Jorrvaskr, and ask Kodlak, our 'leader'. Besides, with you three on board, the Companions just got a hell of a lot stronger."

"Four." Tarkus corrected her.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, there's Oscar too, but he, err, umm..." Artorias tried to explain.

"He ran to get help." Solaire backed up. "See, he's only a squire, and he lacks true combat training, as of yet."

"Ah, don't worry about that too much. We'll harden that milk-drinker up." Aela assured them. The dark trio looked at each other, and then huddled up, facing away from Aela.

"What shall we do, my good fellows?" Solaire wondered.

"Mercs. I think they are mercs." Tarkus answered.

"Think we can trust them?" Artorias asked.

"Better then wondering around forever, right?"

"These faggots don't even praise the sun."

"Ah, good point."

"Still, she seems like a nice young lady." Solaire intervened. "And finding Sir Oscar is our priority."

The trio all nodded in unison, then turned to Aela, still standing there.

"All right wench, take us to Kodiak." Tarkus ordered her.

"It's Kodlak, and screw you." Aela bit back.

"I've killed many humans. You'll just add another notch on my blade."

"I've brought down entire villages with nothing but my my bow." she fought back.

"I flip golems over."

"What the hell is a-"

"Ladies! C'mon now." Solaire intervened again. "Let us all be jolly, co-operative friends!"

The pair of arguing warriors frowned, and turned towards the city ahead."

"Solaire," Artorias began, "The day you stop saying "jolly" and "co-op" at some point in that day will be a sad one indeed."


	7. The Ninja and The Assassin

The frozen wind blew her ivory hair into her eyes, Ciaran wasn't truly sure what was happening. One minute, Artorias was being a perv and touching her ass, before getting dick-punched, then the sky tore open, and THEN she was yanked through a really weird portal, and FINALLY dumped onto this frozen floor in the middle of absolutely no where.

"This is the last time I ever get near Artorias. Something weird always ends up happening." Ciaran thought to herself, wrapping her dark blue cloak against her small frame. "Where the _hell _am I?"

Looking around, she could hardly see a thing through the storm. Ice shards blistered her face, and sealed her eyes, which he had to wipe periodically. "Ah, balls..."

A tap on her shoulder whizzed her around,instinctively drawing her tracers, surprised she still had them.

"Show yourself!" she shouted over the howling wind. A strange creature, seemingly made out snow, stood before her. "What the hell has the Painted World pulled out of its ass now?"

The snow-man slumped his arms, then clicked his fingers in realization. The creature pulled at his finger, and in an instant, he formed a real body, cloaked in black, katana hanging loosely on his waist.

"Bouncer!" Ciaran cheered, sheathing her swords. Bouncer gave a silent wave, before doing a "Joy" gesture.

"Heehee!" Ciaran laughed, and joined in with his cheering. " You know a way out of this storm?"

Bouncer nodded while beckoning, and led them towards a hill, storm easing up, allowing them to talk, or gesture, properly.

"Starting to think I was the only one out of here." Ciaran confessed. Bouncer waved both his hands, reassuring her, before placing them on his hips, showing some silent anger. "What?"

Bouncer just stared, hands on hips.

"Oh, right." Ciaran murmured, and took a deep breath. "I'm very sorry, so sorry, for calling you an asshole at the meeting earlier."

Bouncer looked at her for a few seconds, before nodding and accepting her apology. The pair continued up the mountain, and finally, out of the storm. "Sooo... where are we?"

Bouncer halted, and started to do motions with his hands. First, he pointed above him, Ciaran got that almost immediately.

"Sky?"

Bouncer nodded, the next part was a little trickier to decipher. For starters, Bouncer drew his uchigatana.

"Skyward Sword?"

Bouncer shook his head, then pointed at a specific part.

"Ah, Sky edge." Ciaran assured herself. Bouncer shook his head again. "I don't get it."

Bouncer sheathed his sword, and turned around, pointing at his ass. "Sky ass?" Ciaran guessed, smiling. Bouncer shook his head, clearly getting irritated. With his finger and thumb, he made a ring around his ass crack. Ciaran sniggered, containing her outcry while watching a mute man make weird gestures. Weird, suggestive gestures, at that.

Bringing his hand up, he pulled down his face mask, and placed his tongue around the gap, in a licking motion. "Eww, that's fucking disgusting, Bouncer!"

Half-closing his eyes, Bouncer pulled his sleeves up, and began packing snow into his hand. Ciaran looked on in awe, as within minutes, Bouncer had exquisitely hand crafted a car wheel, made out of snow and some twigs. Bouncer began pointing at the part in the middle

"Wheel? Car?" Ciaran guessed with a smile. Bouncer grew red with irritation, before pointing angrily at the centre part, putting finger dents into the snow. Ciaran stared at it for a while, before snapping her fingers. "I think I got it!"

Bouncer's eyes lit up, his hands shook with excitement.

"It's a Nissan Skyline GTR, right!?" Ciaran squealed. Bouncer stared at her, then planted his face into the ground, shoulders jerking with each silent sob. Ciaran smiled, then shook her head.

"It's Skyrim." Ciaran said quietly. Bouncer looked up at her slowly, eye twitching. "I worked it out ages ago." Bouncer was now standing, looking skyward, hand on face. "Wanna know how I did?"

Bouncer winced at her suspiciously. Ciaran tilted her head to the side. Looking her direction, Bouncer's eyes widened as he saw the giant, stone fortress in front of him. Banners of a blue, roaring bear decorated it's otherwise sparse black walls.

'I believe that's Windhelm." Ciaran announced proudly. "I mean, I should know. I have clocked over, like what, two thousand hours..." Ciaran smiled proudly, but frowned when he saw Bouncer shaking his head veryslowly. "What?"

Bouncer huffed silently, then stuck a pose that immediately told Ciaran what he thought of her.

"How DARE you accuse me of being casul!?" Ciaran shouted. "I simply enjoy a game that others don't. Why should you ill judge me on a game that you don't like!?" ***Cough*VaatiVidya* Cough***

Bouncer shook his head again, not buying her reasons.

"Oh come on! It's not like I write erotic fanfiction about getting boned by Brynjolf and Ulfric, _at the same time!" _Ciaran added, cheeks reddening, obviously guilty of such horrific crimes.

Bouncer shook his head, but gave up arguing with a Skyrim Fan-girl. The pair decided it was best to enter the city. Bouncer was grateful that, despite having the fan girl lead him, still had some sort of eye candy in front of him at his convenience.

He simply loved architecture. The buildings were old and decrepit, but gave off an air of nostalgia and history. The streets were cobbled and worn, but still did their duty faithfully.

"Hey, hear about that Arentino kid?" a commoner asked another.

"Yeah, heard he was doing something... weird in that house of his." the other answered.

"They say he's trying to summon the Brotherhood."

"Hey hey! Keep it down, don't wanna start a panic, do we?" The two men continued talking, even as they turned the corner. Bouncer and Ciaran stood quietly, pondering the conversation they just eavesdropped.

"Arentino, where have I heard that before...?" Ciaran wondered. Bouncer cocked his head to the side. "Stop looking at me like that! Just because I like the game, doesn't mean I remember everything."

Despite that last statement, Ciaran had led them to a house that CLEARLY had Arentino Residence painted on it's sign. "Oh, what a coincidence!" she tried to shrug it off. Bouncer was mute, not retarded.

Ciaran, red faced, tugged at the door handle, but no good. "Got a lockpick?"

Bouncer shook his head. He reached behind him, and unhooked a ring of keys. With a couple of tries, he found the right key, and unlocked the door. The pair of assassins sneaked in without a hitch. The house was damp and dark, and an eerily red glow could be seen from the top of the stair case. Bouncer tapped Ciarans shoulder, then shrugged.

"Aw, you ain't _scared, _are you Bouncer?" she teased. "I bet Shiva must have protected you all the time, with his big, tanned, muscular arms..."

Bouncer shook his head while promptly shoving Ciaran forward, who was now in hysterics.

Bouncer, who was sick of Ciarans shit already, walked up the stairs, and turned towards her, arms spread out.

"Oh sorry, hard man." Ciaran teased again. "Trying to impress me or something?"

Bouncer held his stomach in a silent laugh. Pointing at Ciaran while mockingly flopping his left arm. Ciaran raised her eyebrow.

"I don't get it."

Bouncer looked skyward again, then turned around the corner.

"Sweet Mother, Sweet Mother, send your child unto me. For the sins of the unworthy must be baptised in blood and fear..."

The ninja halted, and felt mortified as this strange, disturbed child who was missing a My Chemical Romance shirt. It would clearly fit, since he is surrounded by human body parts and a skeleton. And blood. Seriously, It would've completed the set. The child turned towards Bouncer, who was surprised that the kid wasn't wearing eye-liner either.

"It worked!" he cheered. "It finally worked!"

"What worked?" Ciaran asked as she turned the corner.

"The Black Sacrament." The kid answered. Ciarans smile widened, something akin to Dr. Evil from Austin Powers.

"Aw, the little kid would like someone dead?" Ciaran tenderly said as she crouched down to the boys level. "Tell me, I'll sort it for you. Trust in me."

The boy smiled some more, but then frowned and grew sad as he re-accounted his story. Bouncer tuned out, unable to bear the sappy sob story of how is mother died, how he lost his house, and how abusive his carer was. Bouncer hated kids, in all honesty.

Ciaran, however, was the opposite. She placed a tender hand on the boys shoulder, listening to his whiny voice tell her of his sob story. Just to put up appearances, she even shed one tear, ONE. Bouncer shook his head. Such a casul.

"Old Grelod, the "Kind", you say?" Ciaran asked. The boy confirmed it with a nod of the head. "Well, now, I think we can do something about that..." she said, eerily gleeful, before she laughed.

And Laughed.

Laughed till Bouncer was sure he would never be sane, ever again.


End file.
